Maybe not as prolific as most twitterers, I still am proud of some of my tweets from the past. Here is an assortment of some of my favorites.
- If “lazy” is texting your wife so she can come into the room to find the remote, then yes – I’m lazy.
- Winston Churchill said it best – “Bitches be trippin'”
- Call me crazy, but there’s a giant purple salamander on your head and he has a gun.
- If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: keep track of how many times you say things.
- In the future, jazz hands replaces the high five for all sports celebrations.
- Looking to spice up a Saturday night? Two words: Sock Puppets.
- So apparently you’re supposed to use the changing room when trying on clothes at Macy’s. My bad.
- My wife told me to get in shape. I chose a rhombus.
- First of all you rolled a 6 not a 10. Second, I own Park Place. And third, I’m the thimble. – Me playing Monopoly with my Grandma.
- “I’m so tired of this crap.” – middle aged dung beetle
- When life gives you lemons tell life you want exclusive distribution rights – and then kick ass with your new company – Lemons R Us!
- No one can make you feel inferior without the help of your family and friends.
These and more are located on favstar. Retweets are welcome! 😉
Posted in Comedy, Fun, Humor
After a long hiatus – it’s time for more lessons from my crazy uncle.
- Never put yarn in a toaster.
- If at first you don’t succeed bring more pheasants.
- Never play darts with a Canadian.
- Play it cool when you’re wearing a smock.
- Never put your finger where you would’t put your tongue.
- Close your eyes when a pirate burps.
- Never trust a doctor wearing gingham.
- Don’t wear stirrups to a bris.
- Never use your blinker when its raining.
- Stay away from Guam during a leap year.
- Never pay a compliment to a beggar.
- Don’t get too carried away with a bilge pump.
Want more funny? Check out Jim Gaffigan’s latest book – Food: A Love Story
Webster defines the word euphemism as follows: The act or an example of substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive. The following phrases were not meant to be euphemisms – but they certainly seem that way!
- Do you mind if I put my bike in your trunk?
- Where would you like me to put these bags?
- I’m waiting for her to batter-dip the corn dog.
- I’m going to clean out the honey pot.
- He was banging at the back door.
- I was rearranging my basement.
- I love me some pulled pork!
- These curly fries are salty.
- Put that meat in the freezer.
- He spilled his juice all over her carpet.
- I can’t wait to rest my head on those cushions.
- Only members are allowed.
- I can’t wait to see what’s in the box!
- Slow down – you’re going to break your joystick.
For more fun with euphemisms – check out Euphemania: Our Love Affair with Euphemisms
For those who liked my first posting. Here’s another batch:
- Never chew gum in Cairo.
- Don’t wear plaid to the dump.
- Always shake hands with an albino.
- Never play ping pong with a bobcat.
- Don’t blow your nose at an auction.
- Never give dental floss to a drifter.
- Never have pork on a third date.
- Don’t spear fish during lent.
- Never blow glass in September.
- Don’t trust a lefty garbage man.
- Never bet on a horse named Molasses.
- Never tip a billy goat.
- Don’t buy cheese from a Brazilian.
- Always wear pink before fasting.
- Don’t play cards with your plumber.
Want more crazy? Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader The World’s Gone Crazy
We’ve all been there. Convinced that someone’s words were truthful only to find out later that they were not. In the list before you I have attempted to assemble some good examples. If you think of a few of your own – send me a comment.
- You look great in bike shorts.
- I’m telling you – I never got your voice mail.
- Your daughter plays one mean tuba.
- I think your breath smells fine.
- Your kids were such a pleasure to babysit.
- I absolutely love your reverse mohawk.
- That’s a cute rat.
- You make a mean haggis.
- I really think someone at Madison Square Garden will return your iPhone.
- Those fingerless gloves are AWESOME!
- You drive a Yugo – what a classic!
- Trust me. I didn’t even notice your cold sore.
- Your accountant is a hoot!
- The answer is yes – capri pants DO look good on a man!
- Keep those knock-knock jokes coming!
Want to have a few more laughs about lies? Check out these books:
Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves – written by Robin O’Bryant. Catch her on twitter @robinobryant
When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win – written by Carol Liefer (Jerry Seinfeld – contributor). Catch them on twitter @carolleifer and @JerrySeinfeld
When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of Games Magazine. The puzzles ranged from simple fun to downright impossible – and they entertained for hours. One of my favorite puzzles from that magazine I have attempted to recreate below.
Each item contains a number and then a series of words and abbreviations. Your job is to decipher the abbreviations. It sounds complicated – but an example will clear things up:
Question: 7 D in a W Answer: 7 Days in a Week
Got it? Good. The answers can be found at the end. Now get cracking and good luck!
- 24 H in a D
- 26 L of the A
- 90 D in a R A
- 10 D in a D
- 5 F on E H
- 12 S of the Z
- 52 C in a D (without J)
- 18 H on a G C
- 3 B M (S H T R)
- 9 P on a B T
- 2 W on a B
- 13 S on the U S F
- 12 M in a Y
- 8 T on an O
- 29 D in F (in a L Y)
- 13 D in a B D
- 64 S on a C B
- 7 D S
- 4 S in a Y
- 8 P in our SS (if you D C P)
1. 24 Hours in a Day 2. 26 Letters of the Alphabet 3. 90 Degrees in a Right Angle 4. 10 Dimes in a Dollar 5. 5 Fingers on Each Hand 6. 12 Signs of the Zodiac 7. 52 Cards in a Deck (without Jokers) 8. 18 Holes on a Golf Course 9. 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run) 10. 9 Players on a Baseball Team 11. 2 Wheels on a Bike 12. 13 Stripes on the US Flag 13. 12 Months in a Year 14. 8 Tentacles on an Octopus 15. 29 Days in February (in a Leap Year) 16. 13 Donuts in a Bakers Dozen 17. 64 Squares on a Chess Board 18.7 Deadly Sins 19. 4 Seasons in a Year 20. 8 Planets in our Solar System (if you Don’t Count Pluto)
The title is pretty self-explanatory – so here goes:
- Wow! What a cool looking mall security cop.
- Please, by all means, take both my kidneys.
- You guys head to the bar, I’m staying home to watch The View.
- I would LOVE to see more pictures of your baby.
- I’m just hoping for a few more weeks of re-runs.
- Fred: The Movie clearly deserves an Oscar.
- Dad – can I please sit in the middle seat on the way home – you know, the one with the hump?
- My favorite program in the world is The 700 Club.
- Who needs Blu-Ray when you have VHS.
- I just wish Tyler Perry was a little more prolific.
- The most practical gift I ever received was a rain-stick.
- That light turned green way too quick.
- I think Jersey accents are sexy.
- That speedo looks awesome on your grandfather.
- I’m hoping there’s a third act to my son’s play.
For more from themacmind, follow me on twitter.