My Most Popular Tweets

Screenshot 2015-03-29 21.24.40

Maybe not as prolific as most twitterers, I still am proud of some of my tweets from the past.  Here is an assortment of some of my favorites.

  • If “lazy” is texting your wife so she can come into the room to find the remote, then yes – I’m lazy.
  • Winston Churchill said it best – “Bitches be trippin'”
  • Call me crazy, but there’s a giant purple salamander on your head and he has a gun.
  • If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: keep track of how many times you say things.
  • In the future, jazz hands replaces the high five for all sports celebrations.
  • Looking to spice up a Saturday night? Two words: Sock Puppets.
  • So apparently you’re supposed to use the changing room when trying on clothes at Macy’s. My bad.
  • My wife told me to get in shape. I chose a rhombus.
  • First of all you rolled a 6 not a 10. Second, I own Park Place. And third, I’m the thimble. – Me playing Monopoly with my Grandma.
  • “I’m so tired of this crap.” – middle aged dung beetle
  • When life gives you lemons tell life you want exclusive distribution rights – and then kick ass with your new company – Lemons R Us!
  • No one can make you feel inferior without the help of your family and friends.

These and more are located on favstar.  Retweets are welcome!  😉

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My Crazy Uncle Used to Tell Me… Part Trois

After a long hiatus – it’s time for more lessons from my crazy uncle.

  • Never put yarn in a toaster.
  • If at first you don’t succeed bring more pheasants.
  • Never play darts with a Canadian.
  • Play it cool when you’re wearing a smock.
  • Never put your finger where you would’t put your tongue.
  • Close your eyes when a pirate burps.
  • Never trust a doctor wearing gingham.
  • Don’t wear stirrups to a bris.
  • Never use your blinker when its raining.
  • Stay away from Guam during a leap year.
  • Never pay a compliment to a beggar.
  • Don’t get too carried away with a bilge pump.

Want more funny?  Check out Jim Gaffigan’s latest book – Food: A Love Story

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Phrases that sound like Euphemisms

Webster defines the word euphemism as follows: The act or an example of substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive.  The following phrases were not meant to be euphemisms – but they certainly seem that way!

  • Do you mind if I put my bike in your trunk?
  • Where would you like me to put these bags?
  • I’m waiting for her to batter-dip the corn dog.
  • I’m going to clean out the honey pot.
  • He was banging at the back door.
  • I was rearranging my basement.
  • I love me some pulled pork!
  • These curly fries are salty.
  • Put that meat in the freezer.
  • He spilled his juice all over her carpet.
  • I can’t wait to rest my head on those cushions.
  • Only members are allowed.
  • I can’t wait to see what’s in the box!
  • Slow down – you’re going to break your joystick.

For more fun with euphemisms – check out Euphemania: Our Love Affair with Euphemisms

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My Crazy Uncle Used to Tell Me… Too

For those who liked my first posting.  Here’s another batch:

  • Never chew gum in Cairo.
  • Don’t wear plaid to the dump.
  • Always shake hands with an albino.
  • Never play ping pong with a bobcat.
  • Don’t blow your nose at an auction.
  • Never give dental floss to a drifter.
  • Never have pork on a third date.
  • Don’t spear fish during lent.
  • Never blow glass in September.
  • Don’t trust a lefty garbage man.
  • Never bet on a horse named Molasses.
  • Never tip a billy goat.
  • Don’t buy cheese from a Brazilian.
  • Always wear pink before fasting.
  • Don’t play cards with your plumber.

Want more crazy? Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader The World’s Gone Crazy

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Lies You Thought Were True

We’ve all been there.  Convinced that someone’s words were truthful only to find out later that they were not.  In the list before you I have attempted to assemble some good examples.  If you think of a few of your own – send me a comment.

  • You look great in bike shorts.
  • I’m telling you –  I never got your voice mail.
  • Your daughter plays one mean tuba.
  • I think your breath smells fine.
  • Your kids were such a pleasure to babysit.
  • I absolutely love your reverse mohawk.
  • That’s a cute rat.
  • You make a mean haggis.
  • I really think someone at Madison Square Garden will return your iPhone.
  • Those fingerless gloves are AWESOME!
  • You drive a Yugo – what a classic!
  • Trust me. I didn’t even notice your cold sore.
  • Your accountant is a hoot!
  • The answer is yes – capri pants DO look good on a man!
  • Keep those knock-knock jokes coming!

Want to have a few more laughs about lies? Check out these books:

Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves – written by Robin O’Bryant.  Catch her on twitter @robinobryant

When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win – written by Carol Liefer (Jerry Seinfeld – contributor). Catch them on twitter @carolleifer and @JerrySeinfeld

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Lies | Leave a comment

Number Word Puzzle

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of Games Magazine.  The puzzles ranged from simple fun to downright impossible – and they entertained for hours.  One of my favorite puzzles from that magazine I have attempted to recreate below.

Each item contains a number and then a series of words and abbreviations.  Your job is to decipher the abbreviations.  It sounds complicated – but an example will clear things up:

Question: 7 D in a W                        Answer: 7 Days in a Week

Got it?  Good.  The answers can be found at the end.  Now get cracking and good luck!

  1. 24 H in a D
  2. 26 L of the A
  3. 90 D in a R A
  4. 10 D in a D
  5. 5 F on E H
  6. 12 S of the Z
  7. 52 C in a D (without J)
  8. 18 H on a G C
  9. 3 B M (S H T R)
  10. 9 P on a B T
  11. 2 W on a B
  12. 13 S on the U S F
  13. 12 M in a Y
  14. 8 T on an O
  15. 29 D in F (in a L Y)
  16. 13 D in a B D
  17. 64 S on a C B
  18. 7 D S
  19. 4 S in a Y
  20. 8 P in our SS (if you D C P)

Answers:

1. 24 Hours in a Day 2. 26 Letters of the Alphabet 3. 90 Degrees in a Right Angle 4. 10 Dimes in a Dollar 5. 5 Fingers on Each Hand 6. 12 Signs of the Zodiac 7. 52 Cards in a Deck (without Jokers) 8. 18 Holes on a Golf Course 9. 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run) 10. 9 Players on a Baseball Team 11. 2 Wheels on a Bike 12. 13 Stripes on the US Flag 13. 12 Months in a Year 14. 8 Tentacles on an Octopus 15. 29 Days in February (in a Leap Year) 16. 13 Donuts in a Bakers Dozen 17. 64 Squares on a Chess Board 18.7 Deadly Sins 19. 4 Seasons in a Year 20. 8 Planets in our Solar System (if you Don’t Count Pluto)

Posted in Fun, Puzzle | 2 Comments

Things Nobody Would Say

The title is pretty self-explanatory – so here goes:

  • Wow!  What a cool looking mall security cop.
  • Please, by all means, take both my kidneys.
  • You guys head to the bar, I’m staying home to watch The View.
  • I would LOVE to see more pictures of your baby.
  • I’m just hoping for a few more weeks of re-runs.
  • Fred: The Movie clearly deserves an Oscar.
  • Dad – can I please sit in the middle seat on the way home – you know, the one with the hump?
  • My favorite program in the world is The 700 Club.
  • Who needs Blu-Ray when you have VHS.
  • I just wish Tyler Perry was a little more prolific.
  • The most practical gift I ever received was a rain-stick.
  • That light turned green way too quick.
  • I think Jersey accents are sexy.
  • That speedo looks awesome on your grandfather.
  • I’m hoping there’s a third act to my son’s play.

For more from themacmind, follow me on twitter.

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