My Favorite Personal Tweets

These are some recent tweets that I’m proud to call my own:

  • “Seven-fourths of wisdom is being good with fractions.”
    – Mother Teresa

  • You know what they say – life is too short to worry about stupid things!
    My Wife: You forgot to pick up the kids at school again.
    Yup.
  • A glass of wine with dinner is a healthy habit. The 8 tequila shots after dessert is not.
  • * The old gypsy flips over the tarot card to reveal a middle-aged man with his head on fire and his balls in a vise *
    Me: Is that good?
  • I blame it all on my mother and my step dad Glenn.
    Mechanic: Apologies. I should have been more specific – open up your hood.
  • * slowly lowers pants to reveal women’s underwear *
    Interviewer: Got it. So conversely what would you say is your greatest STRENGTH?
  • I just found a hundred dollar bill in my pocket, which quickly lead me to the proper conclusion that these can’t be my pants.
  • “I love you.” – Facebook
    “I hate you.” – Twitter
    “Good bye.” – Vine
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three lefts do.
    Cop: * writing citation * Cute. Unfortunately two of those lefts were illegal.
  • “Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t!” – and thus karaoke was born
  • Stop saying you love fall and just admit that you have goofy looking legs.
  • Dunkin Donut’s “America Runs on Dunkin” slogan is based on the lesser known “Taco Bell Gives America the Runs” campaign from the late 90’s.
  • Over the last 24 hours I have sent out 200 tweets and 50 retweets. At some point I need to eat, pee, and find my children.
  • When life gets you down – chin up. Because when your chin is down you look like your Aunt Mildred.
  • With great power comes great tax liability.
  • 1. Lists
    2.Okay, maybe I’m not good at lists.

 

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About themacmind

Trying to stay creative in an often boring world (one post at a time)
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