These are some recent tweets that I’m proud to call my own:
“Seven-fourths of wisdom is being good with fractions.”
– Mother Teresa
- You know what they say – life is too short to worry about stupid things!
My Wife: You forgot to pick up the kids at school again.
- A glass of wine with dinner is a healthy habit. The 8 tequila shots after dessert is not.
- * The old gypsy flips over the tarot card to reveal a middle-aged man with his head on fire and his balls in a vise *
Me: Is that good?
- I blame it all on my mother and my step dad Glenn.
Mechanic: Apologies. I should have been more specific – open up your hood.
- * slowly lowers pants to reveal women’s underwear *
Interviewer: Got it. So conversely what would you say is your greatest STRENGTH?
- I just found a hundred dollar bill in my pocket, which quickly lead me to the proper conclusion that these can’t be my pants.
- “I love you.” – Facebook
“I hate you.” – Twitter
“Good bye.” – Vine
- Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three lefts do.
Cop: * writing citation * Cute. Unfortunately two of those lefts were illegal.
- “Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t!” – and thus karaoke was born
- Stop saying you love fall and just admit that you have goofy looking legs.
- Dunkin Donut’s “America Runs on Dunkin” slogan is based on the lesser known “Taco Bell Gives America the Runs” campaign from the late 90’s.
- Over the last 24 hours I have sent out 200 tweets and 50 retweets. At some point I need to eat, pee, and find my children.
- When life gets you down – chin up. Because when your chin is down you look like your Aunt Mildred.
- With great power comes great tax liability.
- 1. Lists
2.Okay, maybe I’m not good at lists.