Deep Thoughts, by me and Jack Handey

If you were a fan of Saturday Night Live in the 1990’s, chances are you are familiar with “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”  It turns out Jack Handey was a real person – and was one of the writers on SNL.  His “Deep Thoughts” segments were introduced by Phil Hartman, but the actual material was read by Jack himself.

It turns out I was – and still am – a HUGE fan of Deep Thoughts.  The list below contains both classic “deep thoughts” created by Jack himself, as well as new creations by yours truly.  Proper credit is given for each.  If you, too, are a big fan – and if you think you can create some funny deep thoughts as well – please feel free to post your creation as a comment to this post.

Here we go (cue the peaceful easy-listening music and imagine a soothing pastoral scene)

  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.” – Jack Handey
  • Dad always said, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  Which is funny because Dad couldn’t count.  I guess that’s why we had to sell the farm and move to Pittsburgh. – themacmind
  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. – Jack Handey
  • Mom always liked the proverb “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”  But wishes aren’t horses, and that is why beggars are seldom seen on horseback. – themacmind
  • To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can reply, “Sorry, got these sacks.” – Jack Handey
  • If I could be any animal in the world, I would probably be a tiger.  But not just any tiger.  I would be small, have feathers and could fly.  Change that – I would be a bird. – themacmind
  • Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey
  • I think an easy way to win the Biggest Loser would be to have your final weigh in on the moon. – themacmind
  • Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. – Jack Handey
  • My girlfriend got upset that I used the word “crap.”  But I’m not sure what other word I would use to describe what my doberman had just left on her carpet. – themacmind

For those who want more: Deeper Thoughts, All New


About themacmind

Trying to stay creative in an often boring world (one post at a time)
This entry was posted in Comedy, Deep Thoughts, Humor, Jack Handey. Bookmark the permalink.

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