These are some recent tweets that I’m proud to call my own:
- You know what they say – life is too short to worry about stupid things!
My Wife: You forgot to pick up the kids at school again.
- A glass of wine with dinner is a healthy habit. The 8 tequila shots after dessert is not.
- * The old gypsy flips over the tarot card to reveal a middle-aged man with his head on fire and his balls in a vise *
Me: Is that good?
- I blame it all on my mother and my step dad Glenn.
Mechanic: Apologies. I should have been more specific – open up your hood.
- * slowly lowers pants to reveal women’s underwear *
Interviewer: Got it. So conversely what would you say is your greatest STRENGTH?
- I just found a hundred dollar bill in my pocket, which quickly lead me to the proper conclusion that these can’t be my pants.
- “I love you.” – Facebook
“I hate you.” – Twitter
“Good bye.” – Vine
- Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three lefts do.
Cop: * writing citation * Cute. Unfortunately two of those lefts were illegal.
- “Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t!” – and thus karaoke was born
- Stop saying you love fall and just admit that you have goofy looking legs.
- Dunkin Donut’s “America Runs on Dunkin” slogan is based on the lesser known “Taco Bell Gives America the Runs” campaign from the late 90’s.
- Over the last 24 hours I have sent out 200 tweets and 50 retweets. At some point I need to eat, pee, and find my children.
- When life gets you down – chin up. Because when your chin is down you look like your Aunt Mildred.
- With great power comes great tax liability.
- 1. Lists
2.Okay, maybe I’m not good at lists.
For every successful social website and app there are literally thousands that never make it to the public. This is a list of some of the more “memorable” ones that never got off the ground.
- lookatme.com (they went with Facebook instead)
- Bitter (crap on anything and anyone in 140 words or less)
- Whine (6 second complaints)
If you know of a social site that never made it off the ground – by all means leave a reply!
It’s been more than four years since the first installment – it’s about time for another batch!
“Excuse me sir, can you tell the flight attendant I need a seat belt extender.”
“Good luck trying to find where I hid your anti-anxiety meds!”
“This is your lucky night – the E! Channel is airing a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon.”
“Unfortunately you’re out of both toilet paper AND Glade air freshener.”
“Ignore my Dad – he comes on all my first dates.”
“Does this look infected to you?”
“Oh those aren’t crumbs, they’re bed bugs.”
“I need you to Google ‘Uncontrollable Bowel Syndrome’ and tell me if there’s a quick remedy.”
“Just ignore my mastiff – I’m getting him fixed next week.”
“Sorry. Wrong Hole.”
“We need you to bring in another pair of pants for your son – apparently he’s lactose intolerant.”
“Not only am I a Jehovah’s Witness, but I also sell insurance.”
Would love to hear from my followers – do you have any funny additions to this list? If so – leave a reply!
Posted in Comedy, Fun, Humor
The American Kennel Club officially recognizes 178 dog breeds, but worldwide there are more than 400. This list includes some of the more rare and interesting breeds:
- Tibetan Hognose
- Veener Schnowser
- Bangkok Putz
- Peruvian Hustler
- Cambodian Smudge
- Pants Hound
- North American Dingle
- Stank Ridgeback
- Kyrie Alayson (aka Mister Mutt)
- Hung Bravado
- Scottish Bamfuzzle
- Mountain Dink
For a good laugh, check out Dogs Are People, Too: A Collection of Cartoons to Make Your Tail Wag
For those who enjoyed our last number word puzzle (which admittedly was a while back) here is another one you can tackle.
As a refresher – each item contains a number and then a series of words and abbreviations. Your job is to decipher the abbreviations. It sounds complicated – but an example will clear things up:
Question: 7 D in a W Answer: 7 Days in a Week
Wondering why the picture above? That’s a hint for one of the puzzles below…
- 8 L on a S
- 3 S and you’re O
- 14 D in a F
- 2000 P in a T
- 2 S to E S
- 50 W to L your L
- 8 D a W (S from the B)
- 4 F on a H without C the T
- 1 H on a U
- 6 D of K B
- 7 D with S W
- 5 L on a M S
- 12 D of C
- 12 I in a F
- 99 B of B on the W
- 32 D at W W F
- 57 H V
- 4 out of 5 D C T G
- 200 D for P G in M
- 4 Q in a G
1. 8 Legs on a Spider – 2. 3 Strikes and you’re Out – 3. 14 Days in a Fortnight – 4. 2000 Pounds in a Ton – 5. 2 Sides to Every Story – 6. 50 Ways to Leave your Lover – 7. 8 Days a Week (Song from the Beatles) – 8. 4 Fingers on a Hand without Counting the Thumb – 9. 1 Horn on a Unicorn – 10. 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon – 11. 7 Dwarves with Snow White – 12. 5 Lines on a Musical Staff – 13. 12 Days of Christmas – 14. 12 Inches in a Foot – 15. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall – 16. 32 Degrees at Which Water Freezes – 17. 57 Heinz Varieties – 18. 4 out of 5 Dentists Choose Trident Gum – 19. 200 Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly – 20. 4 Quarts in a Gallon
This country is a fascinating place with all types of interesting nooks and crannies. This is a list of some of the most strangely-named cities and towns in America.
- Orange Scab, Arkansas
- Cuddles, Texas
- Pinhead, Mississippi
- Drunk Pastor, Maryland
- Attaboy, Alaska
- Biggass, Minnesota
- Dangle, Alabama
- Spanish Whore, New Mexico
- Jamoke, Kansas
- Doodoo, Massachusetts
- Goodbuyo, Ohio
- Bundt Cake, Michigan
- Chafing, South Dakota
- Frigid Aunt, Georgia
- Dope, Washington
- Stanky Dump, Utah
- Blotch, Tennessee
- Swollen, Louisiana
Looking for more Strange? Check out The United States of Strange: 1,001 Frightening, Bizarre, Outrageous Facts About the Land of the Free and the Home of the Frog People, the Cockroach Hall of Fame, and Carhenge
Posted in Comedy, Fun, Humor